I have been 26 for exactly one week and I’m not quite sure how to feel about it. One thing I can safely say is that I am eternally grateful that I’m not 25 anymore. That was a mess. I mean everything got broken. Everything. Twenty-five was like that healthy-looking apple that you dive into because it just looks so good but the closer you get to the core, you realise it’s rotten. And then you discard it and take another one hoping it’ll fulfill your undeniable craving for an apple, but soon you find out that it’s also rotten…then you sort of want to throw away the whole packet because you think they’re all rotten but you keep them because you’re low key hoping there’s one good one…and you later find out they’re all rotten. A mess.
Contrary to that mess was my birthday. May 29th 2018 was the most peaceful day I’ve lived through this year. God literally filled the air with so much stillness. I had absolutely no plans and my sister was writing her second exam on the day so there was very little I could do but girl did I enjoy myself J . That morning, I spent a good 20 minutes on the corner of my couch so the sun could hit me directly in my face. I imagined all things beautiful and let go of all things toxic. I welcomed in the warmth of a new year while reading birthday messages from people I haven’t even met. Those 20 minutes spent in the sun were probably the best part of the day (I know I’m kinda boring).
Every single day after the 29th has been interesting. I mean last night I dreamt my crush was engaged to someone else. He was so happy you guys…I keep seeing his face as he looked at me (in the dream) and smiled…you know that smile that sort of reminds you that you’ve missed an opportunity of a lifetime; on some “this could be us but you’re dreaming”. You know life is not on your side when you start taking L’s in your dreams lol
Anyway, I decided to write this because I haven’t blogged in a while but also because I have a very deep conviction that my mess ended on the 28th of May 2018. This one week of 26 has been nothing short of hard and slightly confusing but in my heart, I know for sure that I am no longer in a mess. Hear me well, things are still breaking and things are still hard but my faith is telling me that though it may look like I’m still in the same situation, I’m actually not.
Yesterday I woke up telling God that I needed Him. I could feel that something was not okay. I drove to work and as I walked into the office, I repeatedly mumbled “Lord I need you today”. And alas, I needed Him. I cannot put into words what exactly happened to me…it felt like my soul was in deep anguish and I could not function. Everything stopped working and I all I could think of was Proverbs 3:5
“Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
Don’t try to figure out everything on your own.”
And today I’m sitting in the same office with so much hope. Hope. That’s what 26 is to me. Hope that it will all be ok. Hope that one day I’ll know that my mother is not only happy, but that she’s living her best life. Hope that soon I’ll be doing work that nourishes my entire life. Hope that my siblings will be highly successful in all their endeavours. Hope that my happiness won’t always be marred by depression. Hope that one day my crush will be engaged to me you guys…hope that I will live my life fully in its uniqueness; being happy to be me and not bummed that I’m not Oprah. I have hope. And this morning, through His word, God reminded me of wildflowers. Matthew 6:30 (MSG) says
“If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers – most of which are never even seen – don’t you think He’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do His best for you?”
Most of which are never even seen. My greatest frustration has always been how my name means I have brought light and yet I feel completely unseen. And I don’t mean that in an attention seeking way but rather how I always find myself surrounded by people who see parts of me for what they need in their lives rather than for who I am entirely. And at 26, God reminded me that there are those who take pictures of wildflowers and there are those who use them as centerpieces in their homes. God taught me that there is value in the wildflowers that will never be seen; for those ones are meant to nourish the exquisiteness of those that look like them.
Not everyone will see me the way God sees me. I need to be ok with that because if I’m not, I will force myself onto other people’s gardens and as someone once said, even the most beautiful wildflower is regarded a weed when planted in the wrong garden.
God sees those flowers that will never be seen by anyone and gives them as much love as He would those that make it to people’s bouquets. And because my life is not my own, I can no longer continue being occupied with who sees me for what. If God has my back, I need to be good with that. Everything and everyone else comes second. You may be 21 or 55 but if you’re reading this, I just want you to know that God sees you. Trust Him. Trust His timing. Trust His process. Immerse yourself in your wildest version of hope.
God is doing His best for you.