Clinging

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I woke up one morning and after looking at myself in the mirror, I realised that my face had changed. So I walked away carrying that new image and it really bugged me…’cause it was different. I mean I still had the same face from the day before but that particular day, it looked different. It looked more discoloured and less selfie worthy. How?? How did I manage to go from a hundred to minus one in a couple of hours? So in disbelief, I drag myself back to the same mirror just to make sure that I wasn’t going crazy. I wasn’t. My face had changed. So I took a bath and slapped some makeup on my face and made myself look a little more recognizable to the part of me that has a screwed definition of beauty.

How many times do you have to convince yourself that you’re beautiful?

How many times do you have to amp yourself up before leaving the house? How many times do you have to sing scars to your beautiful in order to start feeling like your regular self? How many times do you ask God to just be the makeup on top of your makeup just so you can go through an entire day not feeling like an ugly duckling?

Needless to say, that day was not my best. I carried that image of myself everywhere and even though I was made up and looked “acceptable” (it really was a bad day) I could not shake feeling like people saw me the way I saw myself.

I could not show up for myself that day. And the thing is, life had to continue. So I had to fake it ‘til the end. Texts came, phone calls came, conversations beckoned. I wanted nothing but to curl up in a ball of self-pity and wallow. Sometimes we don’t ignore people because we don’t care. Sometimes we seem unavailable to the world because we are equally unavailable to ourselves.

The mental battle of being present when you can’t even show up for your own beauty is not small. As females we are trained to always look good; hair, nails, face…ALWAYS. Yet we’re almost never encouraged to look good for ourselves. Not until recently.

One of the deepest struggles we go through as females is that of recognising our own beauty. It’s there, we know it, but because it doesn’t match the “standard” we down play it. I’m a dark girl so I speak for the fully melanised girls when I say that it is one thing for society to not recognise your beauty, it’s another when society itself looks exactly like you.

There are so many girls walking around with an obscured perspective of beauty and instead of correcting that, society seems to be making matters worse. It’s like girls are raised up being told they’re pretty but at some point all of that stops. Then you’re left with fading voices that remind you of your true image. You’re in trouble when the words from those voices don’t match the world built standard of beauty.

It has taken me years to understand that no two voices matter more than the voice of God and my voice. God will always tell you the truth. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are made in His image. You are more precious than rubies. Truth. Our voices are then supposed to be aligned to God’s voice; echo His words.

That day was one of my worst days this year because the devil caught me off guard. I was looking too fly prior to the day to even think that I might wake up and feel ugly. But I’m glad it happened. Because now I know that even when my voice isn’t aligned to Gods voice, God always has the last say. And that day He taught me never to use the world’s standards for anything concerning my life. I am not of the world, I merely exist here. And beyond that, He taught me that when the truth in my eyes starts to fade, the truth in His takes over. No amount of discolouration or acne can make you ugly. No amount of ugly can make you ugly.

It’s a paradigm shift. It takes a lot of renewing of the mind but every hurdle is worth it. I fully understand the pain of not feeling enough. I get it. I lived with it and sometimes it comes knocking, talking about “let me in”. So as I’m writing this I really hope you hear me when I say that you are beautiful. But more importantly, that you hear God when He says you are far more precious than jewels. And when you cannot see it in the morning, cling onto the Word of God, cling onto the truth.