What if I tell you to let go of the very thing you think you have to hold? Will you trust me?
This question from one of the songs by Donnie McClurkin keeps ringing in my ear. I’m here trying to make sense of this sudden turn around that is my life. I’m an adjuster, I adjust easily but what’s happening now….why am I not getting used to this change?
I had to say goodbye to my beloved P.E, my beloved church,my beloved friends,my beloved sisters and brothers, my parents…my people; what I’d come to call home. I was never ready for such a switch in what I’ve grown to know so well. It indeed feels as Kanyi put it, “I am not finished, not yet.” It feels like I’ve been stripped of the most sacred of gifts. Everyday I wake up and I want to take off to my home,P.E…..yet with the stern knowledge that going back is not an option. Some days I hear the voice of my Pastor echoing the words that brought me to my knees before my Potter when I finally realised what I’d have to carry; “WORLD CHANGERS CARRY A BURDEN” and I’m consistently reminded why I had to come back to this foreign land called home.
I will admit, my acceptance of my sudden fate had been prolonged possibly due to the fact that I’ve been running away a lot. It could be that deep down I’ve been hoping God will uncall me from my burden. But why would I rather God make stones do the work of my hands which through trial and tribulation, being chiseled and sharpened through fire, God made me the message the lost needs to hear. Lord knows how this is crushing me at my core. The silent sobs my heart cries that no one knows anything of in the midnight.
I’m not yearning to get my way anymore but rather yearning to be at peace with this my cup and cross. One day, maybe, someday,I’ll tell of how I left the people who were home to me, how I’d wake up yearning for their smiles and laughs and hugs because above anything, for the first time…I felt I belonged somewhere. But now, now I am stripped of that belonging back to finding my feet again, back to finding my muse, my place of belonging….yet even so, maybe contradictory to everything, I’m discovering me in the midst of the sobs and yearning for what I know I can’t have.
Discovering my tenacity, my anchor, my untapped reservoir of dreams and visions ’cause in the thick almost tangible silence that is my life…I face my inadequacies, my thorns and chaff and even though I find my imperfections I’m amazed how from an ordinary ragged and broken piece of cloth, God saw it fit that He turn this rag into a beautiful gown for nations to behold its beauty.
Though I sob, I’m submitting to His will for His will brings fullness of joy…so yes, I will trust in Him as I begin to let go of the very thing that was…is to me…my place of comfort. I thought I would cling to P.E till death but great are the plans which my heart had planned…It’s the Lord’s will that always prevails. Farewell P.E. Till we meet again my love 🙂