9am Sun

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It’s 09:57 on a Monday morning and I’m still in bed. Freedom Day. That’s what today is. Today in South Africa we are celebrating 21 years of democracy.

You know how your mind gets super busy in the morning… Like I think of one thing and then another comes up and it links itself to another ‘til I don’t know where I started. That’s me right now. I’m trying to figure out where I started; I’m trying to figure out how I got here…

I’m sitting in an awkward yoga position on my bed (which is now starting to cramp my right leg) facing the window letting whatever sun ray gets to me hit me on the face. I figure that’s enough of a distraction to make me not focus on this hollow space in my heart. It’s been there for a while and I’ve been trying to get it filled with something or someone but I keep getting distracted and I keep letting myself get distracted because somehow I know that figuring out how it got to be so empty and hollow will hurt. I don’t want to hurt. I’ve been hurt a lot in my short life and today I really don’t want to be hurt. Not at 9am.

I used to be a dreamer. I used to dream that I’d be rich in my early 20’s and that I’d live a life filled with adventure and that I wouldn’t need anything but I’d be a giver of everything. And then I grew up and realised that though it doesn’t cost you to dream, disappointment will come knocking at your door once in a while. I don’t like disappointment. I don’t . So for a long time I stopped dreaming and just started living. Until I realised that I had to dream again in order to live with purpose.

There is so much that I want to accomplish but sometimes I just don’t know where to start and sometimes I’m just plain scared. Scared of starting and not finishing. Scared of starting and failing and not getting the courage to continue. Scared of starting and being rejected. I’m scared of being rejected. I’m scared of putting myself out there and not being good enough. I’m scared of exposing myself only to be turned down. I’m scared. Heck I’m petrified!

Last year September I packed my bags and moved out of a city that had become so dear to me. I fought countless battles in that city. Some I lost but some I was victorious in and having won the last battle (by the grace of God), God saw it good for me to move. I didn’t want to go. Moving meant starting over. I didn’t want to start over. Ironically, a few months before I moved I asked God to let me start over. I shared that with a friend of mine. I wanted to move and go somewhere where nobody knows me so I can start over. I wanted to run away from a can of worms that I had opened and couldn’t deal with any longer. I wanted to escape. I forgot about that request. And when the time came for me to move I didn’t want to go.

“Whatever you run away from will always be around to chase after you.”

I can attest to that. Though the last battle was won in Port Elizabeth, not all of them were. And the ones that were not conquered are now sticking their heads out trying to signal their existence.

There was a boy. There’s always a boy. Handsome young man full of zeal and potential. There’s something about potential that makes me go weak in the knees. I buckle at the sight of potential (help me Lord). We never dated, never even tried to even though there was something there. His nature was very broad; very loving yet stern, very childish yet manly, full of intent yet soft. Reading him was never easy. But in my heart I knew that there was something there. I couldn’t put my finger on it but there was something there. But because there was no way we could date, I never made it obvious that his presence made my stomach have a million knots.

I never made it obvious that his mere existence gave me hope. And because I knew the type of woman he goes for, I made it my mission to disqualify myself. I made it a point to look in another direction when he would come running my way. I made it a point to not allow myself to be disappointed. Sadly that is one of the battles that I am yet to conquer because as much as he didn’t exist 100% in my space, he had shares to my mind and my heart. So while running away from him physically was successful, mentally and in my heart he is running towards me and I don’t always have the strength to take my eyes off him and look in another direction.

My dreams have changed. I’m no longer focused on just being a billionaire. Things changed. Things happened and made my dreams change. Now I dream about freedom. I dream of the day when I will look back and think “Thank God for grace and mercy.” I now dream about listening to other girls speak and my heart smiling because I not only know what they’re talking about, but I also know that it can be conquered. I dream of the words “I used to”. I dream of a flourishing heart, a prospering mind and the purest of spaces behind closed doors. I dream. And that’s a good thing; that I’m dreaming again. 

Mapping through The Plan

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What do you want to achieve?

I had to ask myself that question before I started writing this. I had to know what I wanted to achieve by writing this so I wouldn’t go off track. I had to make a mental mind map of where I would start and where I would end off. I had to because I don’t normally write about this; in fact this is my first time writing about it. My thoughts therefore had to be gathered. My mind had to be focused. My heart had to be open and preferably on my sleeve.

The picture above has been lingering in my phone for the past four weeks…there’s a story there, it just took me a while to get the words to tell it.

I am without a prince. And while this is my own choice, it is a decision that I have to remind myself of every day. I’m turning 23 in about 5 weeks and I should be getting married soon…well according to The Plan. The Plan. You know The Plan…the one you made when you were 10 or 13 or 16 years old…that plan. I made my plan when I was 14. The plan was to study journalism (I graduated with Business Management and Economics last Friday), become either a club DJ (though it was short lived, I thank God for taking me out of clubbing) or a radio DJ of which I am neither; I am an Auditor. I was then supposed to meet someone and get married at the age of 25 (which was later reduced to 24 then reduced to sooner rather than later) and become, and I quote, “An indispensible part of someone’s life.” Poetic.

The Plan has not unfolded the way I thought it would. I was never shaken by the school and career path change; it has always been as a means and not an end. However, I am starting to feel the pressure of being one with someone. Oddly enough, I find it very strange how we can plan such. I mean it’s not like when the opportunity presents itself, I’ll go down on one knee and ask this fairy-tale of a man to marry me. I may be 23 but I’m old school. I have to wait. If only I had written that down as part of the plan…

“The biggest block to our surrender is not our appetites and our wayward desires but our addiction to running our own lives.” Gary Thomas

Waiting wasn’t such a struggle when I was in varsity. It was easier to surrender then. It was easier because I knew that marriage was not going to happen until I finished my degree. It was an easy surrender. It was a logical surrender. But it was a surrender that had an expiry date. I now have to surrender everyday. I have to remind myself that my life is in the Lords hands and that His word promises that if I delight myself in Him, He will give me the desires of my heart. I now have to align my sight with God’s vision. It’s difficult. Sometimes I am tempted to get off the wagon and start dating and sometimes I just want to flirt.

Can I be real? Sometimes the struggle to stay single until marriage isn’t about wanting a partner; sometimes it’s about wanting to feel wanted and attractive and important to someone. It pains me to say this but sometimes knowing God loves me isn’t enough. And this is not because Gods love is not enough, it’s more than enough, but it’s because there are areas in my life that I haven’t let God be God in. That’s where I am. I am opening up every door and every window in my heart for God to enter and fill me with His complete and unending love. Everyday presents a chance for me to weigh my options…would I rather a man told me he loves me or God? God stays winning.

That is the reason behind staying single until marriage. I believe there is a level of intimacy I have to reach with God before I reach it with anyone else. So The Plan in this case may or may not come to pass but I am filled with faith and hope that even as I write this, my prince is being prepared for me just as I am being prepared for him.

Photo credit: Daniel Faro

India Arie – Beautiful Flower

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I first heard India perform this song on the Oprah Winfrey show and I couldn’t help but shed a tear. The song reached down and tugged at a spot in my heart I thought was buried. That’s when I realised that things had to change. I had to change the way I saw myself and thought of myself. I hope these lyrics help you the way they helped me.

This is a song for every girl who’s
Ever been through something
She thought she couldn’t make it through

I sing these words because
I was that girl too
Wanting something better than this
But who do I turn to?

Now we’re moving from the darkness into the light
This is the defining moment of our lives

‘Cause you’re beautiful like a flower
More valuable than a diamond
You are powerful like a fire
You can heal the world with your mind

There is nothing in the world that you cannot do
When you believe in you, who are beautiful
Yeah you, who are brilliant
Yeah you, who are powerful
Yeah you, who are resilient

This is a song for every girl who
Feels that she is not special
‘Cause she don’t look like a supermodel Coke bottle

The next time the radio tells you to shake your moneymaker
Shake your head and tell them, tell them you’re a leader

Now we’re moving from the darkness into the light
This is the defining moment of our lives

‘Cause you’re beautiful like a flower
More valuable than a diamond
You are powerful like a fire
You can heal the world with your mind

There is nothing in the world that you cannot do
When you believe in you, who are beautiful
Yeah you, who are brilliant
Yeah you, who are powerful
Yeah you, who are resilient

Yeah you, who are beautiful
Yeah you, who are brilliant
Yeah you, who are powerful
Yeah you, who are resilient

Yeah you, this song is for you
Yeah you, this song is for you
Yeah you, this song is for you
Yeah you, yeah you
You are brilliant

Death of a game player.

HANNAH BRENCHER

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It was two summers ago. 2013.

I would have told you, in a nonchalant tone of voice, that I was “keeping my options open.”

He and I, we weren’t official. We weren’t much of anything at all besides a few dinners and a person to report back to at the end of the night. I knew that if we talked about it then the consensus would be mutual: This won’t go too far. And it’s okay if there are other people you talk to at night.

He was sweet though. Schooled me in enchilada-eating competitions. Took my hand at the movies. Sang (out of pitch and out of tune) right along side me in the car.

You could have thought the world of him. You could have told me he was certainly “it” but my conclusions were certain and drawn already: I knew I wasn’t going to date him long-term.

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#Foodie Couscous salad

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I love couscous. I really do. But for the longest time, I’ve been very sceptical of having it as a salad. Then last week happened. I was busy with a project at work and I lost track of time. By the time I got to the canteen, there was nothing but a few salads…which was great because that’s where I am now, salads. So I decided to try the couscous salad. A tiny voice whispered to me and told me to get another serving for dinner but I decided not to listen to it (I’m sorry Holy Spirit). So I paid and left the canteen. Sitting at my desk, I opened up this mystery filled takeaway and began to indulge. It was magical! Not too cold but not warm. The red peppers gave it a sweet taste and the green peppers balanced everything up. I went home that evening and invented my own version of this salad 🙂

Ingredients:

Couscous
Peppers (green, yellow and red)
Mushrooms
Garlic
Seasoning
Olive oil
Boiling water

Preparation
Pour the required amount of couscous in a bowl or microwave safe plastic container. Add seasoning and boiling water that is of the measurements listed on the box. Seal the bowl or container until the couscous has reached the desired consistency. Separate grains using a fork. Put aside to cool.

In a frying pan or a wok, add olive oil, diced peppers, diced mushrooms and finely diced garlic. Season according to your desire. Fry until the mushrooms are golden brown then take off the stove.

Mix the couscous with the fried veges in a container, seal it and place it in the fridge. Serve chilled. Enjoy 🙂

#SpokenWordFeature Luwi Titus – And so I write

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And so I write
I come to terms that commas stop to begin
Full stops to an end
Writing with all I’ve said
Don’t mind it if its not made sense

I continue
Questions to what I may not ask
Scripting to what someone may read as the past
Thinking to thoughts towards thickening plots
Time ticking
I’ll remind you of this nonsense

At times I’ll be by my table
Alone because it is what I am able to
Regardless of anyone else’s thought
Silent as though I have fought
Till it starts with a thought
Then I’ll write, what ever comes to my mind.

Find him on luwithaking.wordpress.com

#Fashion Fedora Hats

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Last Saturday I had to a grad party to attend. Feeling rather excited, I woke up that morning and washed my hair…little did I know that the braai (barbeque) area would be close to where we would hang for the afternoon. Because of all the smoke, I was forced to either put on a hat or wash my hair again that evening…option two was just too bleak so I decided to wear a hat. Now I don’t usually wear hats. Hats to me were no go areas because I just didn’t think they suited me but I soon learnt that not all hats are the same. Last Saturday I fell in love with fedoras so I thought I should share a couple of looks that I would love to try out 🙂

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Extra Extra, Read All About it: Spring/Summer Makeup Trend Alert!

I’m new in the makeup world and I am loving it 🙂

The Girl In a Cocktail Dress

The rainbow comes and goes,

And lovely is the rose;

The moon doth with delight

Look round her when the heavens are bare;

Waters on a starry night

Are beautiful and fair;

The sunshine is a glorious birth;

But yet I know, where’er I go,

That there hath past away a glory from the earth.

 Ode on Intimations of Immortality from Recollections of Early Childhood by William Wordsworth 1770-1850

April is the cruellest month, breeding

Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing

Memory and desire, stirring

Dull roots with Spring rain. 

The Waste Land by T.S Eliot 1888–1965

I know a bank where the wild thyme blows,

Where oxlips and the nodding violet grows,

Quite over-canopied with luscious woodbine,

With sweet musk-roses and with eglantine.

A Midsummer Night’s Dream by William Shakespeare


Dear readers,

For centuries, poets and writers such as Wordsworth, Eliot, and Shakespeare have been using the…

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Salmon en Croute

This looks delicious!

TwinDays

Done salmon 1

An elegant dish: Salmon stuffed Puff Pastry.

Sea food is so delicious plus they say that eating fish twice a week is good for your health! Fish are a lean, healthy source with high level of proteins and nutrients (B-12 and iron). The omega 3 fatty acids in fish has so much benefit for your health such as reducing the risk of heart disease,  lower blood pressure and to strengthen the immune system and so on and on.  Fatty fish such as Tuna, Salmon, Oysters, Sardines, herring and Mackerel are considered as the most healthy fish. And you can do so much with it. Salad with fish or making soup etc.

We saw so many fish recipes in one of the magazine and we love to get inspired and couldn’t wait to make/bake it our self. So a couple days ago we made a” Salmon en croute”.

Ingredients: 

Salmon
Juice…

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