Knowing Me

Growing pains

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I’ve been quite an idiot…the younger me that is…total utter idiot. I climbed a wall once. You know…those fence walls built around a yard to separate houses…that wall. It wasn’t the highest of walls but some chair enhancement was needed to get on top of it. So I climbed the wall. The plan was to get the attention of a cute boy that had just come through the gate at home. I wanted him to see me when he walks out so he’d maybe say hi and maybe strike up a conversation about my current situation. I didn’t think I was interesting enough. That’s why I climbed the wall. I didn’t think he would notice me had I just continued with my ordinary self. I had to do something drastic, something that screamed, “You have to talk to me now!”

I once thought I was a rapper and decided to challenge some other popular rapper guy from high school. Break time came and what would decide the fate of my proposed popularity was at hand. It was raining so I can’t say I was sweating at any point but I was nervous. He started and as he was going on and on, I was trying to figure out what rhymes with what. I was trying to be part of crowd I had no business being oart of. I was trying something else because I had very little faith in what I knew I already had. I was trying other things because I didn’t know that who I was (different), was what we all wanted. I didn’t know I had everything I needed…needless to say I lost the battle because I couldn’t make out a single sentence and because somehow that day, the bell went off sooner than it usually did.

These are just fractions of the things I’ve done while in the dark. I was in the crevice of a dark stone age. I had very little self-worth but amazingly, I had very wild dreams about my future. I think I always knew that I was in the dark. It never crossed my mind that that was the life I was born to live. I knew there was something better. Having given my life to the Lord at the age of 12, I knew He was there and therefore everything would soon shape up but I didn’t know what to do with Him. I just didn’t know how to be His child. Personally I think that that is the worst kind of darkness. There’s light but there’s no light. I thought one day I’d wake up a beautiful yellow bone, nicely shaped girl with all the right things going on for me.

I didn’t know that when He made me, He looked at me and said, “This is good.” I didn’t know that when He made my grandparents He already knew me. I didn’t know that He made my path to be just the way it is, making me cross mountains just so He can show up when I have nothing left so He can be my everything. I didn’t know that I didn’t have to do drastic things because He already made me different and therefore no matter how similar I can be to someone, no one in this entire world can ever be like me. I didn’t know I was interesting, not by might or by power but by the Holy Spirit. I didn’t know.

That is why I do what I do now. That’s why I write. Because I now know. I thought this blog only had the capacity to reach people in South Africa but I’ve been constantly seeing people from other countries and other continents go through the contents of this blog. My prayer has always been that the Truth that the gospel of the Lord reaches everyone, even to the ends of the world. And as days go by, I see that it is. I don’t regret being an idiot because it not only made me realise how precious God is to me, it also gave me stories to tell. Stories that I hope will let you know that because the One that made you is Beautiful, you too are beautiful.

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