Knowing Me

Peaceful sobs

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I wish I could’ve gotten the chance to explain my weeping. I feel like had I explained, some would not have gone home and asked God to heal me yet my tears were not the result of hurt. I’ve held this sentiment throughout the past 15 months…

I wish I could get up and not feel so drained because my tears come from a deep well. Rather, I wish I could get up and smile and have enough words to tell you how I really feel…peaceful.

If ever there was a crying quota, I know that in the year of 2014, I exceeded that quota. There were times when I’d cry every single day for a week. There were times when I’d cry myself to sleep almost every night. There were times when I would cry so much that opening my eyes would become a chore. There were times when I’d sit and sob at the altar, hoping I could just lay there for eternity and have God minister to me.

While many of these moments were as a result of being broken, having looked back, I realised that majority of them were caused by the goodness of God. I could not understand a lot of things that were happening last year, but even then, I carried an enormous amount of peace, peace that I had received from the Prince of Peace Himself.

Today at church I was reminded of these moments. I wept throughout the service and I wish I could’ve explained to the lady sitting next to me that I was ok…in fact I was more than ok. I was having a moment of overpowering gratitude.

When I look at myself today and I think of the person I was 5,6 years ago, I cannot but shed a tear. A friend of mine, upon request (workshop activities), described me as a package the other day. A Package. Everything you need in a person…a package. I never, in my wildest dreams, thought that one day I would be described as a package. This is why I weep. There is absolutely nothing I have done to deserve what I have, who I am and where I am going. I still may not much material things to show, but that doesn’t bother me for my war, just like most, was not on the outside but on the inside. Pst. T.D Jakes once said that because the war is on the inside, so is the bleeding.

I remember moments when I would be so hurt that I would go into the bathroom (the only private room at home) and I would cry that very silent and very painful cry. Five minutes later I’d walk out of there as if nothing happened; smiling and cracking jokes. I used to know of very little peace. I remember a season when at home cell meetings, the only thing I would talk about and pray about was peace. I knew it was attainable, I knew of people who had it and I wanted it with every fibre in my body. That’s the life that I used to live. But God saw me…He saw me and a love in His heart got stirred up and He remembered me and He redeemed me.

I now know peace. I now know what it’s like to sleep peacefully. I now know what it’s like to laugh wholeheartedly. I now know what it means to be anchored in His goodness; that even when things are not going your way, they will surely work together for good. I know because He showed up while I was in a desert and where there was nothing now flows a river, where there was darkness now exudes light, where there was bareness now there is plenty of life.

If this can encourage even one soul I will bless God for it. Tests aren’t meant to kill us, they’re meant to make us wiser. There is no pit God cannot reach down and get you out of. There is no storm that God cannot silence. He is a good God. He is a good God. Put your trust in Him and anchor yourself in His goodness. He is a good God.

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