So last Sunday I posted an invite to my pictorial journey on the Kanyi Que Facebook page. This was basically a few pictures that I love shared with different sentiments. Though I didn’t load every picture that I wanted to, it was a lovely journey. Thanks to photographers like Christian Plochacki, Themba Ndala, Christian Bothner, Daniel Faro and yours truly 🙂 photography is not just an art form, it’s an expression that goes beyond words.
In 2013, the singles ministry at church decided to embark on a mountain hike; and while I was a year too young to be part of the ministry, I went. In fact, a number of young adults went. As I’m writing this, I’m slowly remembering the events of that day so forgive me if this turns out a little scattered. The day started at about 5am for most of us. We got ready and had to meet in a neutral area which was church. Everyone’s spirit was up and lively. Everyone was excited. No one knew what the day had in store for us except that there was a mountain we would have to conquer…
Now Zuurberg Mountains are a playlist away from Port Elizabeth. But not your regular playlist…the one that has to keep you going even when you forget where you’re going. As such, we were advised to leave before the sun came up in order to remain on schedule. However, because there were a few unexpected folks, we were delayed. There was limited transport to where we were going but we couldn’t leave anyone behind. Come to think of it, we (the young guys) almost didn’t go because of the limitation.
We eventually all made it to the hiking trail spot and we were soon on our way. Not so far from where we started, we had to choose between two trails: one was a 3 hour trail and the other was 5 hours. We all decided to take the 5 hour trail considering that the 3 hour one could be steeper. And just by the way, not a single one of us had been on this trail before. We had no one from Zuurberg to accompany us. All we had was a map. So we went. We were singing and chatting and laughing along the way, in complete bliss of this experience and the beautiful weather that came with it.
We went through shady and bushy parts and we went through open land where the sun scorched with no mercy. We stopped at two water pools to rejuvenate as well as look at the beauty surrounding this remote land. There were times when one would need a stick to hold on to while going up and there were times when knees would wobble as we walked downhill. What I consider the defining moment came hours into our hike when we found out that we were lost.
If I could, I would’ve cried but I was too tired and scorched to even try. After hearing the news, a couple of people continued walking in the hope of finding one hiking base or another. I was part of the people that decided to go back and find where we had taken the wrong turn and correct that mistake. The decision was very impulsive and it was based on the fact that we didn’t know what was ahead but we knew what was behind us. The sun grew cruel as though to spite us. There was less shade. We had less water, nevermind energy levels.
About an hour into our hike back we grew quieter and quieter. I found myself in a place I couldn’t come out of. My head was throbbing, my skin was burning, my mouth was dry, my prayers had stopped, my faith was barely hanging. I was depreciating. I remember going up one particular mountain that was so steep that if you’d miss a step, it would be the end of you. In that very mountain we decided to sit for a while and regain whatever strength our bodies had stored up. Five minutes of my life went missing on that mountain. I blacked out. I started coming to upon hearing people’s voices. Then I realised they wanted to carry me up. I pushed myself and opened my eyes, got up and we all started walking again.
I thought reaching the top of that mountain would be a relief until I got up there and saw absolutely nothing. There was no sign of base camp whatsoever, only a car trail. So we decided to follow it. About an hour into that walk we started seeing where we were going. All of sudden there was hope. Our voices got a little louder. Our faces lit up. We were close to home. Now at this stage we had split into two groups where one was almost a kilometre ahead of the other. I was part of the ones that were one km behind. As we walked, we saw a car coming our way to give us a ride back. The guys ahead decided to continue by foot considering that they were really close. When it got to us, I didn’t think twice about it; I hopped on. But instead of it going to the base camp, it went back to look for other people that had not returned to base. Eventually we went back and arrived at base camp at sundown.
While I learnt a lot in that experience, one thing about it has always haunted me; I didn’t finish it. Two kilometres to the finish line I took the first way to get there faster. I didn’t finish. I may have walked longer than some people did, I may have climbed more than some people did but I didn’t finish. When Christina Yang was leaving Greys Anatomy, she had a moment with Meredith where she confessed that she didn’t want to leave because it felt like she was not done; she needed to finish something.
Leaving Port Elizabeth became a difficult task because of that very reason. I wasn’t finished. I needed to finish. I didn’t finish Zuurberg, I didn’t finish serving, I didn’t finish being a friend, I didn’t finish being a daughter, a confidant, a helping hand, a loving heart…I didn’t finish. And there’s a hole in my heart that’s labelled “Not finished.” But sometimes you have to ride on the will of God even when you don’t want to. I have watched that last episode of season 10 over and over again and for a long time I too didn’t feel finished. It wasn’t until God inclined my ears to what Meredith’s response was. “You don’t feel finished because this is not the end for you.” Just that one line made leaving what I had called home for the past four years easier. “There is no finish line, there is no end point…you just have to go.”
I’ve gotten better. The hole in my heart has gotten smaller but of all the things I felt unfinished about, Zuurberg remains unsettled. I need to finish that mountain. I need to finish that one thing. I don’t know when and I don’t know with whom, but I know that I have to go back to that mountain and conquer it because though it has no end point, it does have a finish line and I owe it to myself to cross it.
I must first confess. I am not a fan of skirts. Wearing them throughout my school life was more than enough for me. However, the A-Line skirt has caught my eye. I love the way it flows, the way it’s roundedness is is made subtle by the pleats. I love how it looks. I have not yet tried it myself but I’m getting there 🙂
Sometimes I sit and I dream, I dream big, leaving no stone unturned. I dream of places near and far, faces young and old, weathers cool and calm…I dream. Then I come across pictures that make my dreams look like reality, a reality that’s within my reach, a reality that is a prayer away. So this coming week I’ll be sharing pictures that have settled in my heart wiyh their beauty and the stories they have lingering on the background. 🙂 Do join me on this pictorial journey on my Facebook page Kanyi Que
I’ve been quite an idiot…the younger me that is…total utter idiot. I climbed a wall once. You know…those fence walls built around a yard to separate houses…that wall. It wasn’t the highest of walls but some chair enhancement was needed to get on top of it. So I climbed the wall. The plan was to get the attention of a cute boy that had just come through the gate at home. I wanted him to see me when he walks out so he’d maybe say hi and maybe strike up a conversation about my current situation. I didn’t think I was interesting enough. That’s why I climbed the wall. I didn’t think he would notice me had I just continued with my ordinary self. I had to do something drastic, something that screamed, “You have to talk to me now!”
I once thought I was a rapper and decided to challenge some other popular rapper guy from high school. Break time came and what would decide the fate of my proposed popularity was at hand. It was raining so I can’t say I was sweating at any point but I was nervous. He started and as he was going on and on, I was trying to figure out what rhymes with what. I was trying to be part of crowd I had no business being oart of. I was trying something else because I had very little faith in what I knew I already had. I was trying other things because I didn’t know that who I was (different), was what we all wanted. I didn’t know I had everything I needed…needless to say I lost the battle because I couldn’t make out a single sentence and because somehow that day, the bell went off sooner than it usually did.
These are just fractions of the things I’ve done while in the dark. I was in the crevice of a dark stone age. I had very little self-worth but amazingly, I had very wild dreams about my future. I think I always knew that I was in the dark. It never crossed my mind that that was the life I was born to live. I knew there was something better. Having given my life to the Lord at the age of 12, I knew He was there and therefore everything would soon shape up but I didn’t know what to do with Him. I just didn’t know how to be His child. Personally I think that that is the worst kind of darkness. There’s light but there’s no light. I thought one day I’d wake up a beautiful yellow bone, nicely shaped girl with all the right things going on for me.
I didn’t know that when He made me, He looked at me and said, “This is good.” I didn’t know that when He made my grandparents He already knew me. I didn’t know that He made my path to be just the way it is, making me cross mountains just so He can show up when I have nothing left so He can be my everything. I didn’t know that I didn’t have to do drastic things because He already made me different and therefore no matter how similar I can be to someone, no one in this entire world can ever be like me. I didn’t know I was interesting, not by might or by power but by the Holy Spirit. I didn’t know.
That is why I do what I do now. That’s why I write. Because I now know. I thought this blog only had the capacity to reach people in South Africa but I’ve been constantly seeing people from other countries and other continents go through the contents of this blog. My prayer has always been that the Truth that the gospel of the Lord reaches everyone, even to the ends of the world. And as days go by, I see that it is. I don’t regret being an idiot because it not only made me realise how precious God is to me, it also gave me stories to tell. Stories that I hope will let you know that because the One that made you is Beautiful, you too are beautiful.
It seems to be a bit odd posting this recipe for a slow cooked pie when I am inside my house right now hiding from the scorching New Zealand sun! But I suppose I miss the chilly winter Christmassy days that I used to have in England, and food is a way of reliving those feelings. Anyway, this recipe came out of me having hardly anything in my freezer/fridge/pantry because I desperately try to avoid the supermarkets at this time of year and also after buying Christmas presents I am officially poor. I had some stewing steak (topside beef) so I got out my trusty Breville Fast/Slow cooker and created these little bad boys. They are awesome individually portioned in funky little ramekins or pie dishes. When cooked for a long period of time slowly, this cheap cut of meat transforms into rich, tasty beef that just falls apart =…
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This sandwich could be the unhealthiest sandwich in the entire world yet you wouldn’t know because you cannot clearly see what is on the inside. There are flashes of green on the sides which would elude you to think that this is a healthy meal. The leaves right next to it and the way the bread looks like homemade gluten free bread makes this picture conclude that (assuming you’re a health or fitness person) this is something to include in your diet.
But what if it’s not healthy? What if somewhere hidden in-between those two slices of bread is something potent enough to give you an instant heart attack?
Don’t be this sandwich. Don’t look like something you’re not, don’t be something you’re not. Don’t have fragments of goodness, be good. Most of all, don’t surround yourself with light and remain in the dark.
I wish I could’ve gotten the chance to explain my weeping. I feel like had I explained, some would not have gone home and asked God to heal me yet my tears were not the result of hurt. I’ve held this sentiment throughout the past 15 months…
I wish I could get up and not feel so drained because my tears come from a deep well. Rather, I wish I could get up and smile and have enough words to tell you how I really feel…peaceful.
If ever there was a crying quota, I know that in the year of 2014, I exceeded that quota. There were times when I’d cry every single day for a week. There were times when I’d cry myself to sleep almost every night. There were times when I would cry so much that opening my eyes would become a chore. There were times when I’d sit and sob at the altar, hoping I could just lay there for eternity and have God minister to me.
While many of these moments were as a result of being broken, having looked back, I realised that majority of them were caused by the goodness of God. I could not understand a lot of things that were happening last year, but even then, I carried an enormous amount of peace, peace that I had received from the Prince of Peace Himself.
Today at church I was reminded of these moments. I wept throughout the service and I wish I could’ve explained to the lady sitting next to me that I was ok…in fact I was more than ok. I was having a moment of overpowering gratitude.
When I look at myself today and I think of the person I was 5,6 years ago, I cannot but shed a tear. A friend of mine, upon request (workshop activities), described me as a package the other day. A Package. Everything you need in a person…a package. I never, in my wildest dreams, thought that one day I would be described as a package. This is why I weep. There is absolutely nothing I have done to deserve what I have, who I am and where I am going. I still may not much material things to show, but that doesn’t bother me for my war, just like most, was not on the outside but on the inside. Pst. T.D Jakes once said that because the war is on the inside, so is the bleeding.
I remember moments when I would be so hurt that I would go into the bathroom (the only private room at home) and I would cry that very silent and very painful cry. Five minutes later I’d walk out of there as if nothing happened; smiling and cracking jokes. I used to know of very little peace. I remember a season when at home cell meetings, the only thing I would talk about and pray about was peace. I knew it was attainable, I knew of people who had it and I wanted it with every fibre in my body. That’s the life that I used to live. But God saw me…He saw me and a love in His heart got stirred up and He remembered me and He redeemed me.
I now know peace. I now know what it’s like to sleep peacefully. I now know what it’s like to laugh wholeheartedly. I now know what it means to be anchored in His goodness; that even when things are not going your way, they will surely work together for good. I know because He showed up while I was in a desert and where there was nothing now flows a river, where there was darkness now exudes light, where there was bareness now there is plenty of life.
If this can encourage even one soul I will bless God for it. Tests aren’t meant to kill us, they’re meant to make us wiser. There is no pit God cannot reach down and get you out of. There is no storm that God cannot silence. He is a good God. He is a good God. Put your trust in Him and anchor yourself in His goodness. He is a good God.