I was 12 years old when I got born again. Many applaud this not knowing that I knew nothing about what I was getting myself into except that this was a step that I had to take. Why? Partly because I knew that answering that particular alter call would bring a level of peace into my life but mostly because it was what was expected of me. The latter part of that reason has made my relationship with the Lord rather retarded. It wasn’t until I was 16 when I started getting serious with the Lord. The year 2014 came and as much as I love the Lord with all my heart, I started seeing cracks that I could not (but mostly did not want to) account for. This has, by far, been the greatest year of my life yet the most tear filled year ever. God has taught me so much during the course of this year and He hasn’t stopped. Yesterday morning, while gardening, He highlighted something that shook me; my entry point to the kingdom was not ideal. A greater part of the sense of relief I felt that day was due to the fact that I had finally taken the step that those around me considered so important. It was as though I had finally met the need and could move on with my life. The evidence of this is in how long it took me to actually have a relationship with God. Doing what is expected of me aka “people pleasing” has been one of my greatest struggles. From thinking “what will so and so say when I don’t attend Wednesday intercessory prayer” to thinking of the right things to say just so fellow brethren don’t see that I’m a believer that’s in deep trouble…
It was about two months ago when I started feeling like God is, as Steffany Gretzinger would say, undoing me. The word “strip” explains this feeling a thousand times better. Every time I feel like “this is it, I can’t get more undone than this”, another layer comes off and I’m left dumbfounded. Sometimes, when God brings your flaws to the surface, you don’t really want to own up to them. Having to admit that I am more interested in what people have to say than what my Lord and saviour has to say…it’s not something I ever thought I’d ever have to own up to. I thank God for opening up my eyes to this though; it just means that this is not where my end is. I thank God for His mercies that are truly new every day. I thank God for His grace that is more than sufficient for me. I thank God for loving me so much that He could not just leave me as is. I thank God for my weaknesses for in them I have witnessed His power. My entry point may not have been good but it has brought me to a point of experiencing the love of the Lord in an immense way. Having shown me my wrong doing, the Lord left me with a song by Michael W. Smith and Kari Jobe called the one that really matters…
“I know that I have been found
The cares of life can’t hold me down
‘Cause you’re the one I want to please
What matters now is what you think”
And this is a song that my heart is singing. What matters now is what God thinks. He’s the one that really matters. Writing this and making it public knowledge isn’t the easiest thing and it may not be the wisest thing to do but written words are my mouthpiece and I pray that someone will be helped by this. Be blessed.